Sunday, December 4, 2011

Insomnia Can Bite Me

It's 12:30 in the morning on December 5th. While this doesn't seem overly late to some, suffice to say I am normally at least tucked under the covers by 10:30. Because I'm a 90 year old woman, apparently. However, here I sit, on my love seat, my cat curled up next to me with the light from the Christmas tree glowing in the corner. Truth be told, life could be a lot worse.

I've been in a funk lately. I've been able to push it down for the most part and keep the little nagging voice at bay, but sometimes she rears her ugly head and I can't shut her up. Today was one of those days. Everything bothered me. People that I normally love and adore were just under my skin - and for no apparent reason. No one was acting any differently, no one said or did anything to negatively impact me or my day. I was just a crab ass and didn't really care who knew.

For the last few months I've been changing a lot. I don't see a huge difference in my personality, but I know others do. I will say that I do have more confidence, but other than that I still feel like just plain old Kelly. There are people in my life that tell me I'm changing more than I realize. That my attitude is changing, I'm saying/doing things I wouldn't normally do. When this is said, I realize it's not a bad thing, but sometimes it's difficult NOT to think that my "changes" are negative.

That's the word that I keep coming back to. I have a very negative opinion of myself and my life right now. I have a little sister that's getting married in seven months, a newly turned 21 year old cousin that just got engaged, and I'll be 30 in May and can't find anyone that I want to see after a first date. Even as I type that I don't know why it bothers me as much as it does. There's just something about your younger (by 8 years) sibling getting hitched before you that makes me wonder a lot of things.

Which then sets my brain into over drive wondering WHY the hell I care. So I'm not married. So what? I have amazing friends, a good job (where I don't get paid enough, but I digress), I can call myself a professional writer, and past mistakes are FINALLY starting to dissipate. Why, then, do I feel unhappy as often as I do?

I don't even know if unhappy is the right way to phrase it. It's not that I'm unhappy - it's that I feel stagnant. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm never moving forward, I'm always just RIGHT in the same place. I feel like I should be at a different stage in my life; but what that stage is I couldn't say.

I always try to start out each day (except today - today was a freaking LOST cause) with a positive attitude. I'm going to be thankful for everything that I have, deal with the things that life throws at me, and make positive choices for myself. I'm going to treat others the way that I want them to treat me, be supportive to my friends and family, blah blah blah. Somehow around noon all the good thoughts disappear and are replaced with that negative voice.

I don't know how to shake it. I don't know if I CAN shake it, or if I'm just a negative person by trait? I don't think I am, I'm pretty good at looking for the bright side of things and being a source of positive support for friends (at least I think I am - maybe I'm entirely wrong in that thinking) and family. It's just when it comes to thinking and choosing for myself that I waver.

And I'm not used to wavering.

This had better end soon.

No comments:

Post a Comment